I've been thinking a lot about identity the past couple of weeks. What makes us who we are? I'm thinking specifically about the noun most people use to define themselves, i.e. their job. Whenever I meet someone new the question almost always comes up - "what do you do?" I often trip over the answer.
Professionally I am an Administrative Associate. That is how I make my living and how I spend the majority of my time. I know that answering the question that way does not actually define who I am, but it often feels like it. Which is why I always feel compelled to add "and in my free time I am a writer". I like my job. I am very good at my job. My job is necessary for me to survive. But if I could support myself as a writer and never work as an admin again I would happily give it up.
I don't like the idea of being defined by a job that I'm not passionate about. Yet I feel that representing myself as a writer is disingenuous, as if someone is going to call me out and tell me I'm lying. I have not made any money off of my writing at this point, so answering the question of what I do for a living by saying I'm a writer is technically wrong. I don't know if I will ever get to the point where I will be able to support myself with my writing, or that it will ever occupy most of my time. I do know that it is a vital part of me. When I don't write regularly the world is a darker place. I don't take as much joy in things and I am not a fun person to be around. This has been especially brought home to me of late with the move and being sick for the last 10 days. I need to write.
So why am I so hesitant to claim that title for myself? What am I waiting for? Will it actually take publishing a book to feel comfortable calling myself a writer? Publishing two books? Three? More? Am I waiting for someone else to call me a writer? Can it be anyone or does it need to be someone in the industry? In all honesty I'm not sure. If I wait for external validation I may wait forever. Or I may just keep moving the bar on myself, achieving one goal and immediately needing the completion of another for "real" validation. I suspect that the answer is, the only thing standing in the way of my calling myself a writer is, myself.
Hi, I'm Sophia. I'm a writer. There that wasn't so hard was it? *gulp*